One of a number of songs and poems written around 1981 for the revue 'Nice (if you can get it)', directed by Margaret Ford. It's starting point is the practice of 'hazing' apprentices by sending them off on impossible errands, also known in the USA as a 'snipe hunt', but the heart of the song is the unemployment that was rife in the UK around that time, due to the 1980: unemployment eventually rose to three million and stayed there for several years.
The song was subsequently recorded for a cassette album ‘Sheer Bravado’. I recently found out that Sting’s ‘Last Ship’ album includes a song ‘Sky Hooks and Tartan Paint’ on a somewhat related topic – in fact, the first verses of the two songs are surprisingly similar. But I got there first, folks, in fact about 30 years earlier.
Back in the days when Britain had industries, it was customary for the older blokes to send apprentices to fetch curious items such as a can of striped paint or some rubber nails. The lucky lad who was sent for a long stand was liable to be left standing at the counter for a half an hour or longer while the storeman went off for a cup of tea and a chuckle.
The guitar was tuned to D-modal, to give it a folksy Martin Carthy/Nic Jones feel. But it still sounds more like David Harley to me…
I once had exchange of snailmail – it was before my internet days – with the Labour MP Joe Ashton, who mentioned the sport of apprentice-hazing in his column for one of the tabloids, describing some similar japes and a particularly vigorous retaliation involving tacks and doggy-do. I bet you don’t get that kind of hazing in merchant banks and call centres.
lyrics
Long Stand (Harley)
The day I started work, the foreman said to me
"I’ve another job for you when you’ve finished brewing tea:
Go down to the stores and when you find old Stan
Tell him Harry sent you for a long stand.”
I got a long stand all right: I stood an hour or more
Till Stan got tired of the joke and sent me back to the shop floor.
Well I didn’t think it funny, but I laughed and held my peace,
Even when they sent me back for a tin of elbow grease.
Still I did my bit, till I was pensioned off in ’69
From apprentice to foreman, all down the production line.
Many’s the lad I’ve sent myself when things were getting dull
For a can of striped paint or a pound of rubber nails.
But the joke they’re playing now, I just don’t think it’s fair
Even when you get your ticket, the work just isn’t there.
The safest job in England is handing out the dole:
For every man that gets a job they turn away a hundred more.
For now the work is scarce, again, the queues are building up.
The streets are full of lads and lasses looking out for jobs;
But when you’ve just left school, you hardly stand a chance
They’re sending every lad in England for a long stand.
They say that if you’ve got the gumption you can do just as you please.
They say you’ll do all right with a bit of elbow grease;
But with a hundred out for every job, it’s few that stand a chance
They’re sending every lad in England for a long stand
They’re sending every lass in England for a long, long stand
credits
from Hands of the Craftsman (expanded edition),
released March 25, 2021
Words & Music by David A. Harley (c) 1981
Vocal and acoustic guitar: David Harley
Recorded at Centre Sound, Camden, London in 1983
Recovery from deteriorated tape by Reel4Transfer
Remastering by Andi Lee, Kosi Records
David Harley is a former professional musician, administrator, IT security editor, author and researcher, and former much else that is even less impressive. He now lives in Cornwall. More info at whealalice.com
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